By Dave Barry

Q. What is the object of the game of soccer?

A. The object of the game of soccer is for your child to score goals, so that he or she will receive a full athletic scholarship to a Divison 1-A college.

Q. What is the role of the other children on my child’s team?

A. Their role is to pass the ball to your child.

Q. What position should my child play?

A. Your child should play forward.

Q. What should I do if the coach wants my child to be a defender?

A. Be reasonable. Ask the coach, calmly and politely, why he wants your child to play defense. Listen to his explanation, and consider it carefully. Then, file a lawsuit.

Q. How many minutes should my child play?

A. Your child should play however many minutes are in the game.

Q. When is it acceptable for the coach to substitute another player for my child?

A. When your child is not at the game.

Q. What is my job, as a parent, during a soccer game?

A. Your job is to yell instructions to your child and the other children on your child’s team.

Q. Should I make an effort to educate myself about the rules and tactics of soccer before I start yelling instructions?

A. There is no need for that. As a parent, you have a natural intuitive understanding of the game, which you should share with the entire world by constant yelling.

Q. Can you give me some examples of the kinds of instructions I should yell?

A. You should yell helpful tactical information, such as:

GET THE BALL!
KICK THE BALL!
I SAID GET THE BALL DAMMIT!
SCORE A GOAL!

Q. Shouldn’t the coach be the one who gives instructions to the players?

A. No, the coach is standing too far away to know what is going on.

Q. Should I also yell at the referee?

A. Absolutely. The referee is always grateful for the shouted opinions of parents on the sidelines. If the referee makes a call that you disagree with – defined as “a call against your child’s team” — be sure to let him know, and he will be happy to change it. He will also appreciate it if you remind him, from time to time, that he is an idiot.

Q. What does it mean when my child has the ball taken away by another child?

A. It means your child has been fouled. You should let the referee know this immediately.

Q. What should I do if my child falls down?

A. Inform the referee that he needs to issue a red card to whatever player was nearest to your child when your child fell down.

Q. What should I do if my child knocks an opposing player down from behind so hard that the opponent is bleeding and screaming in pain, possibly with a bone sticking out of his leg?

A. You should yell: “THAT WAS ALL BALL, REF!!”

Q. What should I yell if the other team scores a goal?

A. You should yell: “THAT WAS OFFSIDE REF!!”

Q. What does “offside” actually mean?

A. Nobody knows.

Q. If my child somehow fails to get a full scholarship to a Division 1-A college, what is the most likely explanation?

A. The most likely explanation is that your child is not getting adequate coaching. But it’s also possible that — to be brutally honest — you were not yelling loud enough.

Q. I have followed all of your instructions, and for some reason, my child is saying that he might want not to keep playing soccer. Also, the coach has announced that he will not be with the team next year. Also, I have noticed that the other parents have started sitting far away from me on the sidelines.

A. Just ignore them. Some parents can be real jerks.